Purpose.

As the days go by, at some point during each day I have to ask myself why I still don’t know what I want to do with my future. I never particularly loved anything while growing up, I had no amazing dreams of being an engineer or some doctor, I had and still don’t have anything I feel connected to in that sense even after spending the last three years of my life becoming a developer. 

I wish someone had genuinely sat me down and asked me. Not in passing or somehow turning that exchange into some sort of scolding but actually talked to me and helped me understand that I need to take the time out to ask myself these questions. I hate the idea of pointing fingers at others and blaming them for whatever it is in my life that isn’t working out but every so often I am absolutely appalled by the sheer lack of guidance I received growing up. 

I mean I was never the most compliant of children so I will not act as if I would have welcomed said guidance but I mean let’s be reasonable for a second, your parents or guardians or whatever adult figure you might have in your life always make it a point to remind you not to have sex, not to do drugs, not to hang with the wrong crowd or whatever other form of sheltering and policing they get up to, they essentially acknowledge that you are in need of said guidance, that you are young and need that wisdom whether you like it or not but it genuinely seems like a good idea to let the same child you don’t trust enough to make adult decisions to pick a career path unassisted? To basically make a decision they might be stuck with for the next 40/50 odd years? If your parents want praise for having raised you well whenever things go your way in life then why shouldn’t they also help shelter the blame when things don’t go according to plan? Maybe they didn’t do such a good job after all or maybe they’re impact in your life really lost its potency after a specific age and everything after that point is really a product of your own actions and decisions whether good or bad.

Back to the matter at hand, I still have no set path and am often ashamed to admit because I feel like I should have known by now. I have a terrible habit of putting myself under immense pressure and I am not sure why… Maybe I’m not supposed to have it all figured out, maybe there are others like me out there.

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