Occupied Space.

Wrote 'Purpose' some time ago and nothing has changed. Sitting at my desk at work and trying to watch YouTube videos of Halle Berry eating some hot wings because I would rather anything than being here right now. (Side note Halle Berry was Rihanna before we had Rihanna, what a beauty!)  (Further side note, she is so goofy, I'm in love).

 I genuinely hate that this is life, it might be a result of not being where I want to be in life or not having the things I want but I cannot believe that this is the norm. That this is life, that I am meant to spend the bulk of my youth working a 9-hour shift every day for probably the next 20 to 30 years. It just makes my stomach turn.

 I don't really have any passions, I don't really like anything and definitely don't know if there is anything I like enough to do it for the rest of my life. I don't really have any talents and I think I might be a worker ant but I don't like working all that much either so maybe I am a queen ant but I was not born with the right connections, surname or skin color for that apparently. I don't really know what I am but I do know how I feel about life and the systems my trashy ass species and society have created. The boxes I'm meant to fit in. (More side notes, I'm 6'2" and my joints are childish so fuck you and your box honestly, I'm too big for it anyway.)

 The notion that we are born with this unshakable purpose is a scam. We are just here and then we are not. Life does not have some grand purpose, you were not born to save the world, you are no Patrice Lumumba, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King Jnr or Nelson Mandela, you are not an Avenger or hero and that's fine.
"Now, there's birth and there's death but the space in between
Is where the journey takes place and you give it all meaning"
                                                     
                                                       Murs - Everything (2008)

It's all a never-ending cycle if you look at it long enough. I was reading (tried to read it... 11 months ago. Only got 20 pages deep) a Mark Manson book called "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck" and he mentioned a concept I particularly resonated with it essentially went along the lines of thinking positive or trying to motive yourself might have side effects that you don't really think about, now, I'm not a writer and that was a terrible summary but I hope you understand the premise, that telling yourself daily how you need to lose weight and work towards that goal might act as self-motivation but it might also serve as a constant reminder that you give yourself that goes along the lines of "You're a fat fuck". Actually, I think I ruined that entire example, that's definitely not what Mark said in his book. 

The point I was trying and failing dismally to make is that sometimes what initially looks like self-motivation might actually just be you reminding yourself of things you don't like about yourself, telling children that they are meant for greatness, hyping them up and making them believe that they are genuinely more especially than their peers will most probably result in a rather anticlimactic adulthood that they might never get over.

We essentially made it wrong to be normal when in actual fact that's all most of us will ever be AND THAT'S JUST FINE.
Craving more from a life that was designed to keep me boxed in, craving more from an existence that was not made to emphasize on nor maximize my happiness, just craving more from a universe that's absolutely indifferent to my presence in it. Looking for meaning to my life when in fact I am supposed to create it myself.

I'll get it together, eventually.

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