Puff, Puff, Psychosis

Getting high really does feel like a mystical experience for me, particularly when I'm alone or in small groups. My objective reality suddenly becomes subjective and I'm aware of it. Getting sucked in and out of things (realities) at random.

I could be listening to music and suddenly feel like the music has replaced what I normally thought of as myself and all that's left is me (awareness) hearing the music play. The same goes for when it's raining outside. If I happen to be high at the time and decide to shift my attention to the sound of the rain then that sound suddenly becomes me, I'm no longer a witness to it or listening to it but the experience can more easily be described as the rain is happening within me and I'm watching (listening to) it.

(Like that episode of BoJack Horseman where he does psychedelics and the borders around his drawing are dissolved. I thought it a powerful depiction, whether intentional or not because that removed his borders and he became one with the rest of the canvas, just colored differently but made of the same stuff. In the real world, our world, it feels a lot like this experience. Losing the idea of Myself in contrast to other things. I'm not listening to the rain, it's just raining. Does that make sense?)

It allows me to empty myself or feel like I have in some way.

I also think it's for that the reason high conversations feel so profound for me is that my having emptied myself or thinking that I have, allows me to listen to others in a way that lets their thoughts resonate within and then allows me to pull out a response from my depths. Hence, deep chats.

I could have a thought and am sucked into that completely and an entire mosaic of possibilities (ideas) stemming from that one initial thought make themselves present. (Fully aware that they could be plain normal thoughts that just feel interesting because I'm high but indulge me).

I have been watching The Wire and I just happened to be watching it on psychedelics recently and suddenly I looked at the characters as real people. Something I've never been able to do with any media. I'm always aware it's a show, even if I'm invested. But suddenly these simple characters and their problems created this window that I was again sucked into and I started feeling emotions on their behalf. The strongest of all being fear (naturally, I have an inclination towards anxiousness at times) and excitement (or playfulness, more frequently of a sexual nature).

Side note: Writing them down now allows me to see how primal/animalistic these sensations actually are and that might be the explanation for this entire thing. I merely become more in-tune with my physical surroundings, read nature, and as such feel a connection to a larger unseen whole that feels mystic in nature. Interesting).

The idea is I feel open to the world. Whole but incredibly vulnerable. And looking back at bad trips I've had, it was probably this exact vulnerability that allowed the actions/words of others and my immediate environment to set me off, whereas I usually filter the information that comes through my consciousness better.

This openness feels like a mystical experience to me and that is most likely to do with my upbringing in childhood but my conscious experiences now, in the moments that I experience them must count for something right? Even if they are flavored by the happenings of my early life. These moments of clarity when I can have a chain of random thoughts and then trace them back to origins in some subconscious trait of my own psyche while simultaneously feeling that the happenings at that moment are somehow linked to a sub-perceptual reality that can only or more easily be explained by delving into mysticism.

Lol, it could be a mild psychosis, which is what any bad trip really is but I do feel like I become aware of something that I can't put in words. And others become aware of my awareness of it and respond accordingly even though we both don't know what this awareness is off (again this could just be my anxiety and hypervigilance, indulge me some more).

It's as if the knowing itself affects the energy field of my immediate surroundings and the people can feel it even if they and I don't know what it is.

It's ridiculous I know. Now imagine experiencing it.

That change, in reality, is almost entirely my reason for taking psychedelics but now I'm more closely analyzing it because I usually take the idea for granted as another high thought which it fully may well be, but what if?